4 years

Four years ago today I found out that I had lost my baby. It was supposed to be a wonderful day - we were going to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. The nurse couldn't find a heartbeat and assured me it was fine. Then the doctor tried, still no luck. I was sent for an ultrasound and was told that my baby had died. I was only 12 weeks pregnant, but I already loved that child with my whole heart. For many months later I walked around in a fog. Wishing that everyone was wrong. That I would still have that baby that I wanted so much. At the time I couldn't imagine it ever getting easier, the pain ever ceasing to be in my every thought, my every breath. I still miss that tiny miracle. I never got to know if it was a boy or girl or even get to see it, but that didn't change my love. Four years later I can say it does get easier. It isn't a constant sadness. I still think of the baby often, wonder how he or she would have looked and what they would have liked to do, but it isn't a daily heartache like it once was.
I lost my baby just a few days before Mother's Day that year and I remember wondering if I was a real mom. The anwer is yes, I was and I would like to wish all moms - especially those who have faced a miscarriage and are wondering if they too are real moms - a Happy Mother's Day.